Resentment doesn’t always show up as rage. Sometimes, it shows up in how quickly you shut down. How you avoid certain topics. How you mentally tally the things they haven’t done, the apologies you never got, or the decisions they made without thinking about you.
It’s that feeling of not being able to let go of resentment; being emotionally jammed somewhere between “I can’t believe this happened” and “I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
So many of the couples I work with come in because they’re carrying resentments that have quietly built up over years. Sometimes it’s because of a major betrayal like infidelity. Sometimes it’s from the accumulation of feeling invisible or dismissed or like the only one trying. They’re not sure how to stay in the relationship and not keep feeling bitter. And they’re not sure how to leave, either.
What therapy offers is space. Space to talk about the things you’ve pushed down or tried to shrug off. Space to get honest about how much hurt you’ve been holding. And space to figure out, do I want to let go of this? Can I?
How Do You Get Out Of Resentment?
Resentment can be sticky. By the time it becomes a problem you’re naming out loud, it’s already tangled up in your day-to-day life. You don’t just feel angry, you feel exhausted. You’re overreacting to little things. Or you’ve gone numb. You’ve tried to “be the bigger person,” or “get over it,” and it hasn’t worked. Because you can’t logic your way out of pain that was never actually dealt with.
So we slow it down. In therapy, we start by asking: What happened? What felt unfair? What never got acknowledged? From there, we untangle your emotional response from your partner’s behavior so you can get clarity. Then, and this part takes time, we look at whether it’s safe enough to bring that hurt into the relationship and talk about it.
Getting out of resentment is a process. It’s about being brave enough to say, “This still hurts,” and steady enough to explore, “What would help me start to let this go?” It’s not about blaming or punishing. It’s about breaking the emotional logjam so your relationship can breathe again.
What Is The Root Cause Of Resentment?
Most resentment starts the same way: something hurt, and it never got resolved.
Maybe your partner forgot something that mattered to you. Or dismissed a concern. Or made a big decision without involving you. And instead of processing that moment together, it got brushed aside. Buried. Labeled as “not a big deal.” But it was a big deal, to you. And when hurt doesn’t get named, acknowledged, or repaired, it doesn’t disappear, it hardens.
Over time, those little unspoken injuries build up. And if nothing shifts, they start to shape how you see your partner. Suddenly, you’re not just frustrated about the present moment, you’re carrying around years of “they never listen,” “they don’t care,” “it’s always on me.”
The root cause of resentment isn’t always the incident itself. It’s the pattern that followed showing up in the disconnection, the silence, and the lack of repair.
Can Resentment Be Undone?
Yes. But it doesn’t look like flipping a switch or forgiving overnight. It looks like reworking the foundation of how you relate to each other.
Undoing resentment often means revisiting hard moments you’ve tried to ignore. It means saying, “I’m still hurt about this,” even if it happened months, or years ago. And then listening for what’s different this time. Are they really hearing you now? Are they willing to take responsibility? Do you feel like there’s room to say what you need?
When I work with couples stuck in cycles of resentment, we focus on repair. Not a performance of “I’m sorry,” but genuine accountability and change. That could mean setting new boundaries, creating new agreements, or simply learning how to handle conflict without emotional warfare.
This is more about making space for a different kind of future, one that isn’t driven by bitterness or fear, then trying to erase the past.
Can You Get Over Resentment In A Relationship?
You can, but only if you both stop defending the past and start protecting the present.
Many couples come in feeling hopeless. They’ve been living parallel lives, barely touching each other’s emotional world. What used to feel like a connection has become a transaction. “Did you pick up the groceries?” “Are you home for dinner?” But underneath the logistics is a deeper question: Do you still care about me? Am I still important to you?
Getting over resentment means showing up differently. It means choosing to be emotionally available even when it’s uncomfortable, or not using old wounds as weapons in every argument. And it means putting the relationship itself at the center of your decisions, not just your own comfort.
That’s what we work on in therapy. Not just how to talk about what went wrong, but how to start showing up for each other again in real, day-to-day ways. Sometimes it’s slow. But when both partners are willing, the shift can be powerful.
How Do You Let Go Of Past Resentment?
Most people try to let go before they’ve fully acknowledged what hurt them. They jump to forgiveness because they think they should. Or because they’re scared that bringing it up again will make things worse. Letting go isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about giving yourself the chance to actually face what happened, and then choosing what you want to carry forward.
In therapy, we explore that in layers. What was the impact of this moment or pattern? What did you lose? What do you still need that you haven’t gotten? And if those needs can’t be met by your partner, how can you meet them in other ways… through boundaries, community, self-trust?
Letting go doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It means you’re choosing not to live inside that moment anymore and instead, you’re choosing peace. Not for their sake, but for yours.
When Should I Let Go Of Resentment?
There’s no perfect timeline, but here’s what I often ask clients: What is this resentment doing for you and what is it doing to you?
If it’s keeping you from trusting, connecting, or being yourself, it may be time to look at whether holding onto it is helping you, or just hurting you more. If the relationship is otherwise safe, and your partner is willing to work through things with you, then letting go becomes part of how you stay emotionally available and engaged.
But sometimes people try to let go too soon, just to keep the peace. They bypass their own pain. And that’s not real letting go, that’s emotional suppression. You’ll know you’re ready when naming the resentment feels empowering, not terrifying. When you can speak it with clarity instead of rage.
That’s what we sort through together. Not whether you should let go, but whether it’s safe and healing to do so yet and what needs to happen first.
Why Should I Let Go Of Resentment?
Because holding on to it is costing you more than you think. Resentment keeps you guarded. It changes how you interpret everything around you: tone of voice, body language, even neutral interactions. It puts a filter on your relationship that makes connection harder, even when your partner is trying. You may find yourself constantly waiting for them to mess up again. And that’s exhausting.
Letting go asks something different from you than most people expect. It’s not passive, and it’s not about pretending nothing happened. It’s an active choice to stop letting the pain of the past run the show. When resentment lingers, it affects how you speak, how you listen, how quickly you shut down or lash out. It’s exhausting and it chips away at your sense of peace.
When you begin to let go, what you’re really doing is taking your emotional energy back
You stop spending it on old arguments that never got resolved, or on proving a point your partner may never fully understand. You start noticing the present moment; how it feels to be in the same room again without tension thick in the air. How it feels to look at them without bracing for disappointment.
Letting go doesn’t erase what happened. But it does make room for something different. Not because the past didn’t matter, but because your future does.
Therapy helps you do that work. At your own pace. With someone who gets how painful this is, and who knows that true healing isn’t about minimizing the hurt. It’s about facing it, working through it, and choosing what happens next.
If you’re carrying resentment and don’t know how to move forward, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Whether you want to repair your relationship or simply find some relief from what you’ve been holding onto, therapy can give you a place to feel heard and supported, without judgment. If you’re ready to begin that process, I’d be honored to walk through it with you.
