I ask clients to repeat this statement regularly in my office: Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t give me the right to be cruel. We protect this.
Why? Because by the time couples land in therapy with me, especially those walking the painful path of recovery, they’re not just tired. They’re raw. Wounded. Sometimes hopeless. One or both partners have said things they regret. Sometimes they’ve done things they never thought they were capable of. And yet, they’re still here.
They’re still trying. Which tells me there’s something worth saving.
But recovery changes relationships. Sobriety doesn’t bring back the version of your partner you used to know. It doesn’t fix the wounds. It reveals them. And when love no longer feels safe, couples don’t need more rules… they need a new agreement.
They need to protect what they’re building together.
Repairing Relationships In Recovery Means Building Something New
So many of the couples I work with feel lost when the drinking stops. The crisis is over. The chaos has quieted. And suddenly, there’s this silence between you. No more numbing. No more distraction. No more hiding behind the addiction. Just… two people, staring at each other across a chasm of pain and history and wondering:
Who are we now?
Do we even like each other anymore?
Can I ever trust you again?
Can you ever forgive me?
I get it. I really do. My own family was touched by alcoholism. I watched what it did to my parents, and I also watched how they fought their way back to each other. Not just by staying sober. But by making the decision, over and over again, to treat their marriage as the center of their world. That shaped me. And it’s what I help couples do now: repairing relationships in recovery in a real and sustainable way.
This Relationship Has To Come First
Even if you’ve heard this before, your relationship has to come before everything else.
Yes, even the kids.
Yes, even your job.
Yes, even your recovery—if recovery means going it alone, separate from your partner.
When you treat your marriage as secondary, it becomes fragile. When you place it at the center, it becomes a source of strength.
In PACT (the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), we talk a lot about creating secure functioning partnerships. That means we make decisions together. We move as a unit. We protect each other from inside and outside threats—yes, even when that threat is our own anger.
When couples come to me in the aftermath of addiction, betrayal, or years of neglect, I don’t start by teaching them better communication. I start by helping them build a protective bubble around their relationship. A sacred space where safety is non-negotiable. Where pain can be expressed without punishment, and where forgiveness becomes possible.
What “We Protect This” Really Means
When I say that “we protect this” I’m not talking about bubble-wrapping your marriage and pretending things are fine. I’m talking about a living, breathing commitment to act in a way that says:
This relationship matters more than my need to win.
That means:
- I don’t use your vulnerabilities against you.
- I don’t weaponize your past mistakes.
- I don’t punish you with silence or blame when I’m hurting.
- I don’t let my pain justify cruelty.
Even when we’re mad. Even when we’re exhausted. Especially then.
When you learn to protect the relationship, even in the hardest moments, you’re saying: You are still my person. And I want us to feel safe with each other again.
That shift is the cornerstone of repairing relationships in recovery. When both partners make that promise, to protect, not punish, then the healing starts to stick. Not overnight, not perfectly, but for real.
What We Actually Do In Therapy Together
- Every couple is different. But if you’re struggling after addiction, here’s what we work on together:
- Rebuilding safety after emotional or physical betrayal
- Untangling co-dependent patterns that keep you stuck in cycles of blame or control
- Restoring intimacy, especially after periods of avoidance, shutdown, or shame
- Understanding how AA and relationships intersect, and what it means to grow together, not apart, in recovery
- Letting go of resentment in a way that actually brings relief, not pressure
The truth is, marriages change after sobriety. And that’s not always a bad thing. What you had before might not be what you need now. Through therapy, we get clear on what kind of relationship you want moving forward, and how to create it.
If You’re On The Edge Right Now…
You may be reading this thinking: I don’t know if I can keep doing this. Maybe this feels like a last resort. Maybe you’ve tried everything. Maybe you’re tired of fighting. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping.
But what if you didn’t have to choose between staying in pain or giving up? What if there’s a third option: staying, and healing?
I believe relationships can be repaired. I believe people can change. I believe safety can be rebuilt from the rubble. And I believe that when both partners choose to protect the relationship, even when it’s hard, love becomes safe again. If that’s what you’re longing for, I’d be honored to walk with you.
If repairing relationships in recovery is something that you want to figure out together. Schedule a consultation. You don’t have to do this alone.
